In a nutshell

For graduation, Courtney and Jeremy gave me two books, The Prince and Gracias. While I like to think I know the ins and outs of the Heart's Home website, they discovered these two little gems that I had overlooked. According to them (I still am not too sure where they read this), these are both books that many Heart's Home missionaries hold close to their hearts.

 True fact #1: as soon as I settled into my room in Brooklyn this summer, I noted the copy of The Prince in French belonging to my temporary roommate.

True fact #2: Gracias addresses, almost to a scary level, my inner-monologue these past few months. The book is actually a journal kept by a priest, Henri Nouwen, who lived in South America for 1-2 years in the 1980s. More than anything, I appreciate his honesty in expressing not only his joy but his suffering as well.  I can't even give a decent estimate to how many things I have underlined and starred as he was able to eloquently express so many of my thoughts that come out of my mouth as word vomit.

One such example, is his explanation of what a missionary is. Why (both selfishly and ideologically) a person would choose to be a missionary and what they are truly supposed to do. I read this after completing my orientation. There is literally not a single phrase he says that I had not thought about (the first two paragraphs) or had been discussed during my orientation (the second half). 

So as a starter to try and share this experience with you, or maybe just a little insight into my brain...

"It is far from easy to be a missioner. One has to live in a different culture, speak a different language, and get used to a different climate, all at great distances from those patterns of life which fit most comfortable. It is not surprising that, for many missioners, life is full of tension, frustration, confusion, anxiety, alienation, and loneliness.

Why do people become missioners? Why do they leave what is familiar and known to live in a milieu that is unfamiliar and unknown? This question has no simple answer. A desire to serve Christ unconditionally, an urge to help the poor, an intellectual interest in another culture, the attraction of adventure, a need to break away from family, a critical insight into the predicament of one's own country, a search for self-affirmation -- all these and many other motives can be part of the making of a missioner. Long and arduous formation offers the opportunity for re-alignment and purification of these motives. A sincere desire to work in the service of Jesus Christ and his kingdom should become increasingly central in the mind and heart of a future missioner, although nobody can be expected to be totally altruistic. Not seldom do we come in touch with our hidden drives only after long and hard work in the field. Preparatory formation and training cannot do everything. The issue is not to have perfectly motivated missioners, but missioners who are willing to be purified again and again as they struggle to find their true vocation in life.

The two most damaging motives in the makeup of missioners seem to be guilt and the desire to save. Both form the extremes of a long continuum, both make life in the mission extremely painful. As long as I go to a poor country because I feel guilty about my wealth, whether financial or mental, I am in for a lot of trouble. The problem with guilt is that it is not taken away by work. Hard work for the poor may push my guilt underground for a while, but can never really take it away. Guilt has roots deeper than can be reached through acts of service. On the other hand, the desire to save people from sin, from poverty, or from exploitation can be just as harmful, because the harder one tries the more one is confronted with one's own limitations. Many hardworking men and women have seen the situation getting worse during their missionary career; and if they depended solely on the success of their work, they would quickly lose their sense of self-worth. Although a sense of guilt and a desire to save can be very destructive and depressive for missioners, I do not think that we are ever totally free from either. We feel guilty and we desire to bring about change. These experiences will always play a part in our daily life.

The great challenge, however, is to live and work out of gratitude. The Lord took on our guilt and saved us. In him the Divine work has been accomplished. The human missionary task is to give visibility to the Divine work in the midst of our daily existence. When we can come to realize that our guilt has been taken away and that only God saves, then we are free to serve, then we can live truly humble lives. Clinging to guilt is resisting God's grace, wanting to be a savior, competing with God's own being. Both are forms of idolatry and make missionary work very hard and eventually impossible.

Humility is the real Christian virtue. It means staying close to the ground (humus), to people, to everyday life, to what is happening with all its down-to-earthness. It is the virtue that opens our eyes for the presence of God on the earth and allows us to live grateful lives. The poor themselves are the first to help us to recognize true humility and gratitude. They can make a receptive missioner a truly happy person."